I took a wrong turn down Nostalgia lane today. Now, my heart is aching and my mind is focusing on the fear that I’ve made a mistake by leaving school. I feel panic rising up my esophagus, which can be mistaken for the rising feel of bile on any given day. I feel a slight squeeze on my heart with each breath that I take, and ultimately I am filled with complete and utter sadness and remorse.
I hate that I wasn’t able to succeed, that my depression caught up with me at the worst time and I couldn’t get a grip. I think I gave up, I think I could have done it. I feel lazy.
I thought I felt lost, and that leaving would suddenly show me the right route. I convinced myself for a short while it happened. Design school was my trip to success and happiness. I don’t know though, not really, it ultimately still floats in the anti-gravity of the unknown.
I think you are either a day or night person. Being night, my sky is always dark with small glimpses of light that seem close, but are ages away. I appear more of a day person, with a constantly lit sky and the occasional cloudy day blocking it. I’m not sure you can ever really change that, that you can ever just become the other or if you’re as destined to your type as the sun and the moon are. I find hope in this analogy, however, that it is possible since occasionally the moon pops out in the day as if to remind us that it is still there. If that makes sense at all.
Until then, I am unfortunately reduced to panic attacks caused by blind fear and trust.